“Weddings Are Boring” - How To Prove Them Wrong
It's actually really hard to “ruin” a wedding where everyone is having a good time. At my wedding, the priest dropped the rings and everyone blamed the ringbearer. (He's 22 now and still salty about it.) At my sister Maria’s wedding, TWO ladies accidentally showed up in the bridesmaids’ color - and it was hilarious! This is the stuff life is made of.
But there is one disaster that truly does ruin the wedding, and it's this: for a guest to show up, eat quietly, and then leave without talking to anyone. This, my friend, is a tragedy. This is the Glorious Occasion of the Union Of Your Two Houses, but in the memory of this person that you love, it’s just more thing that took up an entire Saturday.
And sadly – tragically – this happens All. The. Time.
Friends, we can do so much better! I know you’ve probably been getting a lot of messages about how your wedding is YOUR day (and most of these will be encouraging you to spend money,) but pause and think for a second. Won’t you have a better day if your guests are clearly happy to be there? Having a “perfect” day probably feels great, but I'll tell you what feels AMAZING - seeing relatives at future weddings, 5 or 10 or 15 years later, and hearing them gush about how much they enjoyed your wedding all those years ago. That, my friend, is what you deserve, what your marriage deserves, and what the people you love deserve.
If you really want that kind of wedding, the kind that becomes everyone’s happy memory, then do the opposite of the popular advice and keep your guests’ needs in the forefront of your planning.
I’m going to walk you through some ways to achieve this. First we’ll go over some general rules that apply to every guest, then we’ll go into more detail about the 3 different types of guests and what each one of them needs in order to enjoy the day.
So, first things first: know that EVERY GUEST WANTS TO CONNECT. Relationships don’t just give meaning to life; they ARE the meaning of life! So if you want the people you love to have a good time instead of a boring one, know that each of them will be happiest if they leave feeling like they’ve experienced true fellowship - some good conversations, shared laughs, hugs, hellos. If they feel welcomed and accepted, if they feel like people are happy to see them, if they feel like they got to form new friendships or deepen existing ones, they will LOVE your wedding.
Sounds daunting? Don't worry. Human beings are social by nature, throw them together and they'll start doing this on their own! But I'm writing to you today because it is all too common for a “social” event to feature an environment that makes it much harder to socialize. If you want to be an excellent hostess (and every bride is a hostess,) there are a few techniques you need to be aware of that can transform a bland gathering into a much richer experience of togetherness.
Use good lighting! By good, I mean warm, as warm as a candle flame. I have no idea why, maybe our species evolved because Caveman Urk once found Cavewoman Urga especially alluring by firelight? But for whatever reason, warm lighting is MAGIC. It will cause people to relax and linger for reasons even they can’t explain. It’s also the most flattering, so everyone will love the photos. Remember - if you want atmosphere, lighting is a must. Skimp anywhere else, but not here.
Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash
Decor: think twice about extremely tall table centerpieces. This seems like a no-brainer, but I see so many brides making this mistake! Have you ever felt walled off by a tall centerpiece, or had to move one so you could have a proper conversation? The world is lonely enough, let’s not make connecting even more difficult. Use floor vases for your taller decor, and lower arrangements on the table itself. Bonus points if they’re conversation pieces - how amazing would it be to have centerpieces that feature vintage family photographs? (Just be sure to use copies, not actual heirlooms!)
Music: not too insanely loud right over the dinner plates. Also, try to have something to suit all tastes - not all genres necessarily, but as many decades as possible so that there’s something for everyone.
Table shape: the Round vs. Long debate rages on and they each have their pros and cons. At a long table there will only be 3-5 people you can easily talk to, which is actually ok, because any conversation between more than four people tends to splinter into smaller conversations. However, you can’t pick your tablemates and you may not have much in common with the ones you get. In that regard, a round table is better because there will be several conversations you can choose to join; you won’t be locked out of an interesting one that’s slightly too far away to participate in. But on the other hand again, a long banquet table unites the party as a whole (especially during toasts and such,) and everyone likes to feel like they’re a part of something bigger. Consider your goals carefully, and choose wisely.
If your party is extremely small, less than 20 guests, you can have the best of both worlds by arranging long dining tables into a square, headed by the sweetheart table.
So those are the general rules that appy to any guest that happens to be human. Beyond that, there are three types of guests with three distinct needs, which allows you three more opportunities to create happy memories for the people you love.
Type 1: Guests who already know each other. Usually relatives, or very old family friends. They may not have seen each other in years, and what they’re hoping for most is a chance to catch up. Sometimes even they will be surprised by the connections they make!
Example: my sister Kelsey had recently gotten married and become a stepmother, which was a huge transition for her. At the next family wedding she got to talking to Aunt Tina, who is also a stepmother. These two are decades apart in age but they were able to share their hopes and struggles, support each other, laugh, hug, and make the kind of connection that families are for. They both came away grateful for each other’s company, and completely delighted with the wedding as a whole.
And it didn’t stop there! Aunt Tina now has tickets to fly 2000 miles away to help Kelsey after the birth of her new baby next month. What a beautiful gift for everyone, all because of a wedding that prioritized true connection.
How to facilitate this:
Type 1 guests will benefit from a place to sit and chat, somewhere the music won’t be too loud for conversation. I love that the wedding lounge area has become a thing and it's so easy to pull off! You just need a rug to delineate the space (trust me it matters,) some comfy but elegant sofas for guests who can’t sit in a dining chair for too long, and some side chairs for the young people to pull up attentively. A few small tables to set their drinks on will finish off the space.
How to know if it’s working: If there are guests chatting in the lounge area all night, you’ve done a great job.
Type 2: Guests who don’t know anyone, like roommates, coworkers and friends. They may be coming alone, and they may be a little nervous about who they’re going to hang out with all evening. They will love any kind of activity or game that allows them to join in and instantly feel like they’re part of the group – and yes, dancing is the obvious answer, but not everybody dances! The current trend of giant yard games is ideal for this and I highly encourage you to look into renting some.
Type 2a: The tween and teen cousins who want to hang out with each other, but are too young to appreciate the gift that is small talk. They will be excited about yard games too, so I've lumped them together with the other Type 2s.
How to know if it’s working: If you see people who don’t know each other (or even those that do) chatting and engaging in the activity together, congratulations! You just created a memory.
Type 3: Parents of very young children. They would probably love to chat with Uncle Vernon or play Giant Yard Chess, but unless you can provide a free babysitter, it’s just not in the cards for them. What would really make their day, though, is a chance to relax with other young parents while the toddlers are occupied in something. Their ideal setting is away from any fragile decor, maybe even in a space of their own, with some comfy chairs and a kid-friendly activity. (Kinetic sand? Giant blocks?) At the last wedding I went to, that spot was the basement of the venue - that place was hopping! I got to hang out with cousins I hadn’t seen in years and meet their new babies, some of them for the first time. We even had cake down there!
How to know if it’s working: If you see young parents chatting while their kids contentedly play, know that you have given them a rare and precious experience.
Good luck friend, and may your wedding day be a gift you are proud to have given to the world.
